Beyond People Pleasing: Unlearning the Default Yes

Hey, boss. If you've ever found yourself saying sure to an unexpected client request that you immediately regretted, or frozen like a deer in the headlights when someone asked for a favor in person, or simply worried that setting a boundary might make someone mad at you, this episode is for you. Today, we'll explore why unexpected requests are particularly challenging for the ADHD brain, the underlying beliefs that make us fear saying no, the myth of reciprocity, and why being nice is not always the right choice, practical scripts for saying no in the moment, and how to reframe what healthy boundaries actually mean for relationships and business.

As entrepreneurs with ADHD traits, so many of us struggle with handling unexpected requests and trying to find the words to say no gracefully in the moment. It comes up at least once a week with one of my private coaching clients. I call this automatic yes pattern the default yes, and it's really more than simple people pleasing as we will get into. It's actually deeply connected to how we perceive boundaries and relationships, and it's hardwired into the ADHD brain. So let's dig in.

First, I'd like to talk about the deer in the headlights effect. Now you can think about unexpected request as bright headlights suddenly shining on you when you're crossing the road. Now when you have ADHD, instead of being able to quickly decide which way to move, many of us freeze, and “yes” becomes the default response that just tumbles out of our mouth before our brain has fully processed what's being asked. Now there's a reason why unexpected requests are challenging for brains like ours. In fact, there are several, one is the element of surprise. When requests come without warning, our executive functioning simply gets overwhelmed. It's as though someone took a puzzle and dumped it out on a table in front of you and demanded that you solve it immediately.

Our ADHD brains need processing time, and on the spot requests just don't allow for it. There's also the aspect of rejection sensitivity. So many of us with ADHD experience rejection sensitivity and often project it onto others. When someone is standing right in front of us or waiting on the phone, the fear of disappointing them can feel like an emotional emergency. And without even realizing it, we are envisioning that they are going to experience rejection sensitivity simply because we do. It might not be true, there's also the difficulty we have with context switching. If we are deep in a task or doing some kind of focused, hyper focused deep work, and we get interrupted with a request, our brain is gonna jam up.

And we are going to struggle to shift gears and accurately evaluate the request properly. It's like being awakened from a dream and then asked to make an important decision when your brain isn't fully loaded. Many of us also have challenges with reading people accurately. This is especially true for subtle cues in real time. We are more likely to catastrophize and imagine someone will be furious if we say no, when in all likelihood, they'll just be mildly disappointed or completely understanding and then the social anxiety spiral. So many adults with ADHD experience social anxiety, or as I sometimes call it, performance anxiety. The pressure of having to respond when someone is literally waiting for your answer can trigger so much anxiety that is going to further compromise your ability to make a good decision.

It's as though you're trying to solve a freaking math problem with someone watching over your shoulder and tapping on their watch. Now here's something important to understand, the default yes isn't just about being too nice. It's not about having weak, flabby, or nonexistent boundaries, and it's more than simple people pleasing. It's how our unique neurological wiring interacts with unexpected demands and social pressures. I want you to think about boundary setting as a muscle. For many of us, it's a muscle that has not been properly exercised because we've been defaulting to yes so often and for so long that the pathway to no feels unfamiliar and even frightening. But like any other muscle, it can be strengthened with practice, patience, and a little bit of the right training.

I wanna talk now about what I call the reciprocity myth and some boundary beliefs that you might not even realize you have. The reciprocity myth is the notion that many of us unconsciously operate under. That saying yes to others means they'll say yes to us when we need something. Now this may be true if you are part of a social network that is deeply committed, deeply connected, and everyone involved is playing the long game. You can think about it in those circumstances as a shared account where each of us makes deposits and we can make withdrawals later. But in truth, in business, reciprocity rarely works this way. I have seen so many people, including some of my clients, literally giving away their time and talent for months, if not years, basically volunteering because they've been promised that they are investing in something for later and that all that wonderful volunteer work is going to become paid work. It almost never happens.

People who consistently get what they want are often those who clearly communicate boundaries, not those who say yes to everything. It's a hard truth, but one I think we need to grapple with. There's also the identity of the nice person and so many entrepreneurs with ADHD have built a self image around being helpful, accommodating, and nice. We equate setting boundaries with being selfish, mean, or difficult. It's simply not true. I once worked with a business coach with ADHD who could not understand why she was struggling financially despite working oftentimes seventy plus hour weeks. Once we dug beyond the surface, what we uncovered was that she was offering unlimited support between sessions, often spending hours on unpaid work because she felt her clients expected it, and they wouldn't find her helpful if she set limits.

We did set those limits, and she's now working less and has had no fewer clients signing up for her work. There's also the catastrophic sinking trap. So many of us imagine worst case scenarios whenever we even consider saying no. Oh, they'll never work with me again. They'll ruin my reputation and tell everyone I'm difficult, this opportunity will never come my way again. Or they'll be angry with me, and I'll never be able to get more clients. The reality rarely, if ever, matches these catastrophic predictions. In fact, research shows that people who set boundaries are more respected, not less and this plays out in their desirability in business. There's also the false equation of boundaries somehow equaling selfishness.

Many of us have internalized the belief that having boundaries means we are selfish. But boundaries are not walls that keep people out. They're fences with gates that allow you to control what comes in and what goes out. You can think of your business as a garden. It needs proper fencing. Without it, everyone that wanders in, everything that wanders in, has the potential to trample what you're attempting to grow. A fence isn't selfish, it's necessary if you want something beautiful to flourish. I wanna talk now about what to do when your mind goes blank because I know this happens to so many of you. And what we wanna replace, your mind going blank and then blurting out a yes because it's there on default and autopilot, we wanna replace that with the art of gracious refusal.

So how do we handle those in the moment requests when someone asks us for something and our mind goes blank? Well, our people pleasing yes is already forming on our lips before we've had a chance to think and this is where so many of us struggle the most. The intense social pressure of in person requests combined with our difficulty assessing the right words can be absolutely paralyzing. So I wanna give you a technique that you can practice so that you won't be caught off guard. Are you ready? Alright.

The first skill I wanna share is one we can think of as the buffer phrase technique. This is a pre memorized phrase that basically buys you time when your mind goes blank. You can think of it as a stall tactic, but really, I prefer that you think of it as a social parachute that you can deploy whenever needed. Mine is, that's an interesting request, let me check what I have going on and get back to you tomorrow. Now I have been working with this phrase and different variations of it for a while because perhaps like you, my default yes always led to impulses to say yes without thinking things through, over committing and then later really regretting that I had. Now I want you to notice with my particular request, and by the way, you don't have to use mine, but you can if you want.

That's an interesting request, let me check what I have going on and get back to you tomorrow. I want you to notice a few things. One, it acknowledges their request without committing. Two, it sounds professional and not at all wishy washy. It gives a specific follow-up time frame, and it requires zero creativity or even any thinking in the moment because I've already committed it to memory. The goal is not to craft the perfect response on the spot. Most of us simply can't, the goal is to have something memorized in advance to give you some breathing room so that you can make a decision when you're not under pressure.

I highly recommend practicing your buffer phrase out loud until you get over whatever reactions you have to how you think it sounds, and it actually becomes automatic. You can write it on sticky notes. You can set it as the wallpaper on your phone. You can make it the first thing your brain reaches for when you're put on the spot, but only if you practice. Because otherwise, you're gonna get the default yes. Alright, then there is the physical reset. Now when we are feeling social pressure, for most of us, our body goes into a mild or moderate fight or flight response. And then oftentimes it'll be freeze and that's when the default yes becomes the default.

Our breathing gets shallow, our muscles get tense, our prefrontal cortex, you know, the part of the brain that's responsible for decision making, gets less blood supply, glucose, and other necessary resources. Here's a subtle physical reset that you can do in any social situation, but especially when you experience unexpected request. Take a deep breath through your nose, press your feet firmly into the ground, and roll your shoulders back slightly. Three movements. Deep breath, press your feet into the ground, and roll your shoulders back. This only takes literally a couple of seconds, and it can be done while the other person is still speaking. I promise you, they will not notice but your body, mind, and brain will notice.

It will help redirect the blood flow back to your prefrontal cortex, signal to your body that you're safe and allow you to give your pre programmed response instead of blurting out the default yes or worse, fainting. Okay, now we're going to talk about guilt free language patterns. Don't you just love the sound of that? Once you've bought yourself time with your buffer phrase, you need to craft a response that doesn't trigger guilt or people pleasing tendencies, because we can literally talk our way out of trying to escape the default yes with what we say next. Here are a couple of specific language patterns that can help with this. The I'm honoring my commitments frame. So instead of seeing a no as letting someone down, you can reframe it as honoring your existing commitments because who would argue with that?

Here's how it might sound, I've committed to finishing x by Friday and saying yes to this would mean breaking that commitment. This language shifts the focus away from disappointing the person in front of you to honoring your word to others, including yourself. Here's another one, the either or reality. Acknowledge the reality that saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else because it always, always, always does. You know, I would need to cancel my meeting with fill in the blank, client team member, whatever, to take this on, and I'm just not comfortable doing that. This helps both you and the person issuing the request understand that your time is actually already allocated. It's not just arbitrarily unavailable.

Next up, the future yes option. This is one of my favorites and most people find it is the easiest to learn and begin using. It's sometimes a not now just feels easier for many of us than a hard no. Here's how it might sound, my schedule is fully committed through the end of the month. Could we revisit this early next month? Only offer this if you are genuinely interested in considering the request later. Otherwise, you are just postponing the inevitable and trying to postpone the discomfort. Trust me, it will come back. And then you're absolutely gonna say yes because you're gonna feel like you led the person on, and you wouldn't be wrong about that.

So only use the future yes option when you are actually willing to consider their request. Don't just say it because it feels easier in the moment because I know it does. Then we have the generous alternative approach. This is a little bit more advanced, but something you could do if it feels right for you even if you're an absolute beginner to boundary setting. This is one where you offer something you can do instead of what you can't. I can't take on the full project, but I'd be happy to review the outline and give you my feedback. Or I don't have the capacity to help personally, but I know someone who specializes in exactly this, would you like an introduction? I love this because it satisfies your desire to be helpful without over committing.

Here's another one I love, the clear but kind boundary. Sometimes a direct no is necessary, let's be honest. But it can still be delivered with kindness, which is what we really want, isn't it? Here's how it might sound. Couple of versions, I need to decline, but I so appreciate you thinking of me for this. Now this isn't gonna work for everything, but it honors the fact that they thought of you while still respectfully and gently declining. Or I'm so honored you asked, but this isn't something I can take on right now. These are a little bit harder and may require you to exercise your boundary setting muscle a bit before you try them.

But note, neither of these responses includes the word sorry. When we apologize for maintaining healthy boundaries, we are unconsciously reinforcing the belief that we're doing something wrong. And that not only makes it hard for us, it makes it hard for the other person as well. I wanna suggest that you practice the no ladder. Now saying no is a skill and is a skill that improves with practice. But jumping into high stakes situations is probably gonna be a hard pass for you because it's gonna feel very risky and it might in fact be risky. Instead, almost everyone can benefit from what I call the no practice ladder. So that's not saying you're not practicing, you're practicing saying no, just to be clear.

So how does this look? Start by saying no to small, low stakes requests from people you trust. Like, an example might be, a friend wants to go to a specific restaurant and you don't. They're still gonna be your friend. You can move up to medium stakes requests in professional settings when the relationship is not critical, when you're ready, and eventually work your way up the ladder to saying no to important clients or close colleagues. No matter whether you go fast or slow with each successful no, you are building both the skill and the neural pathways that will make the next one easier. I promise.

Now I wouldn't be, honoring your ADHD or mine if I didn't talk about the emotional aftermath. One of my friends refers to this as vulnerability hangover. When we do something that's right for us, but we're not fully used to it yet, we sometimes feel really emotionally deregulated afterwards. So, I think it's really important that we discuss it. It's not just about getting to the no, it's how we feel after we've said it. For many of us with ADHD, which often includes people pleasing tendencies, plus guilt, doubt, and anxiety, the follow-up can be overwhelming. So let's talk about that, the guilt spiral, everybody's experienced this.

So maybe you go ahead and use your buffer phrase and later decline the request. Initially, you're gonna feel super proud. You're gonna feel like an absolute boss because you maintained your boundary, then the overthinking begins. God, did I sound rude? Are they gonna be upset with me? Should I have just helped? Then the catastrophizing. Oh my god, they're never gonna ask me for anything again, Or they're gonna tell everyone how unhelpful and selfish I am. You might even start feeling physical discomfort, like tension headache, trouble sleeping, stomach churning. This guilt spiral is real and so uncomfortable that many of us will do just about anything to avoid it, including continuing to say yes to things we shouldn't.

So how do we break the emotional cycle? Here are some specific techniques to manage these particular emotions. Are you ready? Alright. The reality check. When catastrophic thoughts arrives, challenge them with evidence. And I find it oftentimes very helpful to either say this out loud and don't laugh, but even in front of a mirror, or write it down. There's something that's very powerful about a reality check when it's not just up in your head, if you catch my drift. So some things you might challenge your thinking with is, has this person expressed anger to me directly for saying no? Usually not. Do I have concrete evidence that they're upset, or am I mind reading? And would I think someone was selfish if they gave me the same response? Almost certainly not.

You can also try the self validation practice. So instead of seeking external validation that your no was okay by literally calling up all of your friends and family members, give yourself permission to trust your decision. Affirmations can come in really helpful, or simply write it down like Bart Simpson on the chalkboard until you get it. Some examples. I made the best decision with the information I had at the time. Or my time and energy really are finite resources, and I have the right to allocate them. Or maintaining this boundary allows me to show up fully for my existing commitments. It's really hard to find fault with any of these. You can also try the guilt reframe. If you have pesky resurfacing guilt, try these for an immediate mental shift. Shift from I'm letting them down to I'm being honest about my capacity. Shift from I should be able to help everyone to I can help most effectively when I don't overextend, or they're gonna think I'm selfish to setting boundaries is responsible.

There's also the physical release because guilt and anxiety don't just live in our heads, they live in our bodies as well. When you're feeling guilty for setting a boundary, a brisk five minute walk will help to physically process the stress hormones. Deep breathing, you don't even have to get out and walk. Four counts in, hold for four, release for six. It may sound overly simplistic, it really, really works, so try it. And progressive muscle relaxation, tensing and releasing individual muscle groups one at a time. That's also a great way to distract you from the nonsense going on in your head. And lastly, the forgiveness practice. You will still sometimes say yes when you really should have said no. This is just gonna happen. You're human. You're learning. I even still do it, and I've been working on this forever.

So when this happens, because it will, acknowledge it. Acknowledge it without judgment. Oh, I slipped into my old pattern. Look for the learning. What specific point led me to say yes? If you can figure it out, hang on to learning. If you can't, let it go and move on. Try to plan a different response next time, and most importantly, forgive yourself and move forward. We're not going for perfection. It's not only not attainable, it makes you a real pain in the ass to people around you. Changing deep seated patterns like this takes time. The goal isn't perfection, but progress. But each time you successfully navigate one of these difficult situations, you are literally rewiring your neural pathways and making the next time easier.

So, because I know I've shared a lot of strategies, you couldn't possibly remember them all or even one of them. So I've prepared a companion handout for this episode, which includes all of the techniques, including specific scripts that you can customize for your business and life. Remember, saying no gracefully is not about being less helpful or kind. It's about being intentional with your limited time and energy so that you can say a wholehearted yes to the things that truly matter.